So, my first personal blog reached 30 posts today. Cool. I still cannot believe it, though I don’t think I would reach that if it weren’t for the following:
- I’ve been following a manageable blogging schedule (twice a week on Tuesday and Thursday). Not seven times a week, not thrice, twice.
- I have prompts whenever I have writer’s block, and I turned some of them into a blog series that I enjoy writing. For example, 3 Songs leans towards my love for music.
- And most importantly, I don’t need to wear a mask and perform. I just need to be myself.
Reaching 30 posts is something to be happy about, but honestly, since we’re talking about being myself, what’s weighing more is something I want to get off my chest.
Stop reading if you don’t want to read my rant.
Honestly, I’ve been feeling pretty heavy since yesterday morning, and I’ve been trying to hold things together. Though I can’t ignore some of the things that make me smile:
- Watching WrestleMania 42. (Night 2 was way better, by the way.)
- The new Foo Fighters album, Your Favorite Toy, is coming out this Friday, April 24.
- Going back to one of my favorite places last night.
- And most especially, reaching 30 posts on this blog.
Then again, I’m not saying that everything is fine now because of those fewer happy things. (And that says a lot because those things I listed include my favorite band.) An old friend told me years ago, “Focus on the glimpses of hope,” and optimists would agree that having a few happy thoughts as guiding lights in a dark time is better than having none at all. But honestly, I feel really heavy, and I’m trying so hard to hold on and focus on those glimpses… and right now, there are only four.
If there’s no WrestleMania to watch yesterday, no Foo Fighters album to look forward to this Friday, no favorite place to come back to, and there’s no 30th post to say “cool”, I will feel heavier and less hopeful. And if I feel heavier and hopeless, what the fuck am I supposed to do?
Ian Pasicolan 